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FIRST RULE : Know Yourself And What You Are After
You said, "I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him." It's NOT a mistake to share your feelings with a man. It IS a mistake to share your feelings with a man:
1) too early
2) in a negative context.
You set yourself up for failure by choosing and "tolerating" a situation that just doesn't work for you. That situation is being "ok" with a purely physical situation when in fact you need-and want-more. When you’re OK with the way things are one minute, but then are looking and asking for something more and saying you’re not happy with the way things are NOW, you’ve INSTANTLY become the kill-joy and antagonist in the relationship.
One minute you're blissfully happy in his embrace and then a day or two later you’re sulking and awkward because you just blurted out what you feel or what you want, and you’ve taken him by surprise.
All because of a "talk" you wanted to have with him. Yeah, I'm riding you a bit hard here, but it's for your own good. Instead of being open with yourself about what YOU are truly after, you pursued this "friends with benefits" strategy to get things moving. That's why you're freaking out. You thought you could handle it. You thought you'd get something out of it. And for a minute, it was fun. But then your feelings snuck up on you.
Eventually you were reminded of what you're really after with a man and what you value. Right now you have two pictures in your mind: One picture is of this "casual" thing going on. And the other one is what you actually want.
The two pictures are so radically different and far apart from each other, that it's no wonder you're acting "insane".
Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line for what you're ACTUALLY doing with this guy. It's time to stop creating situations in your life that you KNOW won't make you happy or comfortable in the long run - even if they feel good in the moment.
SECOND RULE : Find Your Personal Standard and Stick To Them
Starting things with a man in this "casual sex" way, is a SUREFIRE way to ruin your odds of creating something more meaningful in the future. I'm a guy. I know.
But, more importantly, getting into a "casual" situation with a man you might want to date more seriously and exclusively, has a VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.
So... Unless you're one out of a hundred thousand women that gets "swept off her feet" by an open, caring, great communicator, who makes moving into a committed relationship effortless... then you're going to have to start asking yourself some real questions about what you really want from your love life. And once you have the answers, actually be honest about them from the start. Here's an important question to ask yourself:"WHAT ARE MY NEEDS?"
And I do mean YOUR needs. Not his. Not what you're accepting or tolerating or hoping to get from a man just because there's nothing better around right now. Be clear here and think it through. I'll give you a minute...
Most of the women I know who are dating have a set of subconscious requirements from the men they’re seeing. That they be honest. That they be exclusive. That it’s going somewhere, and it’s not just going to be casual dating forever.
But these aren’t things they are willing or able to communicate directly with the man they’re seeing. So, they end up in a situation that is anything but what they were looking for. They say, "This is fine for now. I’m just enjoying myself."
They are not being honest with themselves about their bottom-line "must-haves" and therefore can’t express these things to the man, either.
From my experience, here are a few of these "must haves" that women often aren't honest about at the start:
You said, "I have made the mistake of admitting to a friend that I have feelings for him." It's NOT a mistake to share your feelings with a man. It IS a mistake to share your feelings with a man:
1) too early
2) in a negative context.
You set yourself up for failure by choosing and "tolerating" a situation that just doesn't work for you. That situation is being "ok" with a purely physical situation when in fact you need-and want-more. When you’re OK with the way things are one minute, but then are looking and asking for something more and saying you’re not happy with the way things are NOW, you’ve INSTANTLY become the kill-joy and antagonist in the relationship.
One minute you're blissfully happy in his embrace and then a day or two later you’re sulking and awkward because you just blurted out what you feel or what you want, and you’ve taken him by surprise.
All because of a "talk" you wanted to have with him. Yeah, I'm riding you a bit hard here, but it's for your own good. Instead of being open with yourself about what YOU are truly after, you pursued this "friends with benefits" strategy to get things moving. That's why you're freaking out. You thought you could handle it. You thought you'd get something out of it. And for a minute, it was fun. But then your feelings snuck up on you.
Eventually you were reminded of what you're really after with a man and what you value. Right now you have two pictures in your mind: One picture is of this "casual" thing going on. And the other one is what you actually want.
The two pictures are so radically different and far apart from each other, that it's no wonder you're acting "insane".
Your expectations are COMPLETELY out of line for what you're ACTUALLY doing with this guy. It's time to stop creating situations in your life that you KNOW won't make you happy or comfortable in the long run - even if they feel good in the moment.
SECOND RULE : Find Your Personal Standard and Stick To Them
Starting things with a man in this "casual sex" way, is a SUREFIRE way to ruin your odds of creating something more meaningful in the future. I'm a guy. I know.
But, more importantly, getting into a "casual" situation with a man you might want to date more seriously and exclusively, has a VERY HIGH potential to make you FEEL AWFUL.
So... Unless you're one out of a hundred thousand women that gets "swept off her feet" by an open, caring, great communicator, who makes moving into a committed relationship effortless... then you're going to have to start asking yourself some real questions about what you really want from your love life. And once you have the answers, actually be honest about them from the start. Here's an important question to ask yourself:"WHAT ARE MY NEEDS?"
And I do mean YOUR needs. Not his. Not what you're accepting or tolerating or hoping to get from a man just because there's nothing better around right now. Be clear here and think it through. I'll give you a minute...
Most of the women I know who are dating have a set of subconscious requirements from the men they’re seeing. That they be honest. That they be exclusive. That it’s going somewhere, and it’s not just going to be casual dating forever.
But these aren’t things they are willing or able to communicate directly with the man they’re seeing. So, they end up in a situation that is anything but what they were looking for. They say, "This is fine for now. I’m just enjoying myself."
They are not being honest with themselves about their bottom-line "must-haves" and therefore can’t express these things to the man, either.
From my experience, here are a few of these "must haves" that women often aren't honest about at the start:
- That any man they're involved with, in any way, isn't dating or still involved with another woman
- That he's open and ready to explore a serious relationship once they get to know each other
- That they share the same values and priorities - or he can at least appreciate and support her values
So, how in touch are you with your REQUIREMENTS to feel good when it comes to men and dating? And how do you communicate these to a man? Do you do it indirectly by acting frustrated and angry when your needs aren’t being met, after you’ve already become intimate and emotionally vested in the relationship?
Or do you do it directly and in a positive context as things are GETTING STARTED, so you're in sync from the get-go?
Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going to make the right decisions for you, or magically and telepathically recognize and meet all your needs. Sticking to a set of minimum standards and then communicating those helps show a man what it’s going to take to make you happy.
THIRD RULE : Radically Reject Behavior That Does Not Meet Your Personal Standards
I observed something FASCINATING about people and relationships a few years back. When we’re in a situation that causes bad feelings and friction of some kind, there is always some kind of "payoff" for one or the other person...and that’s why they persist in sticking with the bad situation.
Or do you do it directly and in a positive context as things are GETTING STARTED, so you're in sync from the get-go?
Remember, 99% of the time, a man is NOT going to make the right decisions for you, or magically and telepathically recognize and meet all your needs. Sticking to a set of minimum standards and then communicating those helps show a man what it’s going to take to make you happy.
THIRD RULE : Radically Reject Behavior That Does Not Meet Your Personal Standards
I observed something FASCINATING about people and relationships a few years back. When we’re in a situation that causes bad feelings and friction of some kind, there is always some kind of "payoff" for one or the other person...and that’s why they persist in sticking with the bad situation.
Here's what you're getting out of the "casual" thing...
- You get a safe and risk free path to get close to this guy. Even though technically you're not "close" at all. I call this "working it from the 'friend zone'". After all, how vulnerable would you be if you shared what you REALLY were looking for up front, BEFORE you slept with him?
You might be disappointed or rejected, or you would be unable to continue the "friendship" that you have right now. And maybe having to start over alone might actually be worse in your mind than having something crappy and low-quality that you're "tolerating" now.
But if you look deeper, you'll probably see that your desire for something more was there all along underneath the surface. Therefore, I doubt that you could have been "just friends" with him anyway, even if you never slept together, without you feeling gypped in some way. That’s why you have to show a man that you’re strong and you know what you want, and you won’t settle for scraps or second-best or "good enough for now."
My favorite way of thinking about how to do this, is to be like a "velvet hammer." Be strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at the same time. Say, "I really like you. Probably too much to be JUST friends. This is why I’m not sure we should continue this situation unless you feel the same way."
If you can say this in a way that doesn’t include BLAME or guilt or pressure from you, it the response a man will give will be MAGICAL. He’ll open up and meet you at the level of
honesty and respect you’re coming at him with. And as tough and as "bitchy" or self-centered doing this might sound right now, this is exactly what you need to say to a man if you really want something more with him.
And doing this, and only this, can get you out of your "friends with benefits" situation and into a great relationship. Trying anything else is almost sure to end up in a series of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. But you might be thinking - WHY does this kind of language work with a man?
Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life and her world. There's nothing that triggers more intense "long-term" attraction in a healthy and mature man, than a woman who he CAN'T control and doesn't get thrown off-center when her needs aren't met.
Using the "velvet hammer" also has another AMAZING benefit that women don't often recognize... or they don't even see as a benefit at first. It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away because they're never going to get their act together in the first place, or just don't want to.
You don’t want to be stuck in a dead-end situation that’s just going to make you feel WORSE than you felt before you met him, do you? Of course not.
And sure, sometimes a guy will hear that and disappear for a while. But the best part is, if he’s one of the "good guys" you want to be with for the long-term, he’ll come back around.
And when he does, he’ll have done all the leg work to be a better, more conscious partner. The kind of partner you could have never molded yourself through any amount of fixing or convincing.
But if you look deeper, you'll probably see that your desire for something more was there all along underneath the surface. Therefore, I doubt that you could have been "just friends" with him anyway, even if you never slept together, without you feeling gypped in some way. That’s why you have to show a man that you’re strong and you know what you want, and you won’t settle for scraps or second-best or "good enough for now."
My favorite way of thinking about how to do this, is to be like a "velvet hammer." Be strong and assertive, but warm and gentle at the same time. Say, "I really like you. Probably too much to be JUST friends. This is why I’m not sure we should continue this situation unless you feel the same way."
If you can say this in a way that doesn’t include BLAME or guilt or pressure from you, it the response a man will give will be MAGICAL. He’ll open up and meet you at the level of
honesty and respect you’re coming at him with. And as tough and as "bitchy" or self-centered doing this might sound right now, this is exactly what you need to say to a man if you really want something more with him.
And doing this, and only this, can get you out of your "friends with benefits" situation and into a great relationship. Trying anything else is almost sure to end up in a series of misunderstandings and hurt feelings. But you might be thinking - WHY does this kind of language work with a man?
Because it sends a strong SUBCONSCIOUS signal to a man that the woman is in CONTROL of her life and her world. There's nothing that triggers more intense "long-term" attraction in a healthy and mature man, than a woman who he CAN'T control and doesn't get thrown off-center when her needs aren't met.
Using the "velvet hammer" also has another AMAZING benefit that women don't often recognize... or they don't even see as a benefit at first. It WEEDS OUT the guys who DO need to go away because they're never going to get their act together in the first place, or just don't want to.
You don’t want to be stuck in a dead-end situation that’s just going to make you feel WORSE than you felt before you met him, do you? Of course not.
And sure, sometimes a guy will hear that and disappear for a while. But the best part is, if he’s one of the "good guys" you want to be with for the long-term, he’ll come back around.
And when he does, he’ll have done all the leg work to be a better, more conscious partner. The kind of partner you could have never molded yourself through any amount of fixing or convincing.
FOURTH RULE : Discover and Use What Creates Deeper Connection and Attraction With Men
Ever hear of "approval-seeking" behavior? It's when we try to do and say things simply to
get a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves from someone else. Well, it's a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man early on. Your need for your guy's APPROVAL is your worst
enemy right now. To him, what you're doing is actually the complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.
I'll give you an example...
Have you ever seen what it looks like when a man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman? As he's just getting to know her and he sees that she hasn't completely made up her mind to want to be with him, what does he do?
He buys her gifts.
He calls her all the time.
He offers to do favors and errands for her.
All these are attempts to prove to her that he's good enough to be with her or to get her attention. This is also known as the "really nice guy" approach. Women just never seem quite "feel it" for the super nice guy. Not because of the gifts and flowers and favors, anyway.
A guy can already be attractive AND do nice things. Agreed?... But doing nice things doesn’t MAKE a man more attractive.
Instead of feeling attracted to a guy you weren’t too "into" at first, you start losing respect for him when he goes overboard and tries too hard with the calls, favors and gifts. You lose respect because you know you can CONTROL him.
This isn’t conscious, either. It’s just how you feel, and feelings are pretty powerful forces. Ever stop to think that the same thing might work in reverse between a woman's behavior and a man's? That a man may feel like he can "control" you if you’re running around trying to please him or do favors for him or be "nice" to him in order to get him to want you? Interesting...
For men, approval-seeking behavior KILLS the spark that comes from the uncertainty of not knowing exactly how the women he's with is going to think and act.
If he can predict what you’re going to do and feels like he "has" you in the palm of his hand, what is he going to wonder about when it comes to you? And what if you start acting predictably NEGATIVE? Think about it...
It's a "natural tension" and challenge of not having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong ATTRACTION in men.
What most women ask in situations when a man isn't responding the way they want him to is... "WHY is he acting this way and how do I make sense of it and "fix" it?". Well, you can't "fix" a man. And I really feel for you if you're one of those women who are trying. But, you CAN change a situation and the FEELINGS that a man is having for you.You can change how he experiences you.
The toughest and most important thing to understand is that men’s behavior and thinking in these situations isn’t at all LOGICAL. In other words, how a man reacts doesn't make ANY "sense" and doesn't follow any rhyme or reason. So, of course, it baffles and frustrates women when they run it through their own "sense- making filters."
Let me ask you a question... If you were an attractive man, would you want to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make you attracted and feel good... or would you want a woman who just "got it" on her own... "naturally" and everything flowed?
Duh. (there's that scientific word again)
You'd want the woman who already "got it." So, more likely than a conspiracy against women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON'T respond to women who DON'T. OK, let's talk about these concepts a little bit more.
Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is about a man perceiving that he and a woman are "naturally compatible" because his emotional and physical sparks fly when he's around her. NOTE: I did NOT use the word "logical" here.
Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman and then thinking to himself: "Let's see...she's got a good job, works hard, is pretty cute, and is a really good person... Hmmm, I think that we have some natural attraction going on here." WRONG.
For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE or it ISN'T. There are no two ways about it.
Fortunately for you I’ve put together and entire program just about attraction: how it works for a man, how to trigger it, what to avoid doing so you don’t accidentally "kill" it. Exactly what does it take for a man to feel a longing for you, to feel connected and devoted to your happiness?
Ever hear of "approval-seeking" behavior? It's when we try to do and say things simply to
get a positive reaction or judgment about ourselves from someone else. Well, it's a HUGE MISTAKE to make with a man early on. Your need for your guy's APPROVAL is your worst
enemy right now. To him, what you're doing is actually the complete OPPOSITE OF ATTRACTIVE.
I'll give you an example...
Have you ever seen what it looks like when a man is shamelessly seeking the approval of a woman? As he's just getting to know her and he sees that she hasn't completely made up her mind to want to be with him, what does he do?
He buys her gifts.
He calls her all the time.
He offers to do favors and errands for her.
All these are attempts to prove to her that he's good enough to be with her or to get her attention. This is also known as the "really nice guy" approach. Women just never seem quite "feel it" for the super nice guy. Not because of the gifts and flowers and favors, anyway.
A guy can already be attractive AND do nice things. Agreed?... But doing nice things doesn’t MAKE a man more attractive.
Instead of feeling attracted to a guy you weren’t too "into" at first, you start losing respect for him when he goes overboard and tries too hard with the calls, favors and gifts. You lose respect because you know you can CONTROL him.
This isn’t conscious, either. It’s just how you feel, and feelings are pretty powerful forces. Ever stop to think that the same thing might work in reverse between a woman's behavior and a man's? That a man may feel like he can "control" you if you’re running around trying to please him or do favors for him or be "nice" to him in order to get him to want you? Interesting...
For men, approval-seeking behavior KILLS the spark that comes from the uncertainty of not knowing exactly how the women he's with is going to think and act.
If he can predict what you’re going to do and feels like he "has" you in the palm of his hand, what is he going to wonder about when it comes to you? And what if you start acting predictably NEGATIVE? Think about it...
It's a "natural tension" and challenge of not having CONTROL and uncertainty that creates strong ATTRACTION in men.
What most women ask in situations when a man isn't responding the way they want him to is... "WHY is he acting this way and how do I make sense of it and "fix" it?". Well, you can't "fix" a man. And I really feel for you if you're one of those women who are trying. But, you CAN change a situation and the FEELINGS that a man is having for you.You can change how he experiences you.
The toughest and most important thing to understand is that men’s behavior and thinking in these situations isn’t at all LOGICAL. In other words, how a man reacts doesn't make ANY "sense" and doesn't follow any rhyme or reason. So, of course, it baffles and frustrates women when they run it through their own "sense- making filters."
Let me ask you a question... If you were an attractive man, would you want to find a woman that you had to TEACH how to make you attracted and feel good... or would you want a woman who just "got it" on her own... "naturally" and everything flowed?
Duh. (there's that scientific word again)
You'd want the woman who already "got it." So, more likely than a conspiracy against women, men just naturally respond to women who GET IT, and DON'T respond to women who DON'T. OK, let's talk about these concepts a little bit more.
Attraction, and wanting to be with a woman, is about a man perceiving that he and a woman are "naturally compatible" because his emotional and physical sparks fly when he's around her. NOTE: I did NOT use the word "logical" here.
Attraction and wanting to be with a woman long term is NOT the result of a man meeting a woman and then thinking to himself: "Let's see...she's got a good job, works hard, is pretty cute, and is a really good person... Hmmm, I think that we have some natural attraction going on here." WRONG.
For a man, attraction and the desire to be with a woman, and stay with her, is either THERE or it ISN'T. There are no two ways about it.
Fortunately for you I’ve put together and entire program just about attraction: how it works for a man, how to trigger it, what to avoid doing so you don’t accidentally "kill" it. Exactly what does it take for a man to feel a longing for you, to feel connected and devoted to your happiness?
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